You are not a victim of your narcissistic parent - Mindset coaching for adults raised in narcissistic families

Here’s another way to look at your experience from a mindset coaching perspective

You often hear the term “victim” when referring to people who have experienced narcissistic abuse. You may identify as such as well. The word ‘victim’ might be useful to acknowledge the harm and validate the reality of those painful experiences. It is especially relevant when speaking about children raised in violent and chaotic households, where survival was the priority. As a child, you did not ask for the violence, the humiliation, or the fear. You did not create those circumstances. You were small, vulnerable, and dependent on those around you. In that context, you were a victim. I understand that deeply, because I have been there too.

But what if I told you that continuing to see yourself only through that lens will actually stop you from creating the life that you want?

At first, this idea can feel shocking, even offensive. If you are not a victim, does that mean your pain was not real? Does it mean you were responsible for what happened? Of course not. Your pain was real and your experiences mattered. But building the life that you want and leaving the past behind to heal it is also about deciding the story you want to tell yourself and who you choose to become now.

From a transformational coaching perspective, there are important reasons why moving beyond a victim identity can be a powerful step toward inner transformation and creating the peaceful, fulfilling life you’ve always dreamt about.

1. Transform your life by being in charge of your own emotions

It is often believed that emotions are caused entirely by external events. And as a child in an abusive environment, your fear, anxiety and sadness were valid responses to what you were experiencing. At that time, you had very little power or control over what was happening in your family.

But emotions are not fixed states permanently wired into you. Your brain continuously interprets your current experiences based on past events. This means that while your past shaped your emotional patterns, you can now teach yourself to experience different emotions for the same or similar situations. Just be aware of how you react in certain situations and consciously decide to act differently to situations that once triggered pain, sadness or fear. That’s how you start to make your life change. This does not mean suppressing your negative emotions or pretending the past did not happen. Acknowledging your emotions at first helps you nurture the connection with your inner self. It means developing awareness and creating new emotional associations over time. By changing your beliefs about yourself and your life, you shape your own identity.

For example, when someone dismisses your needs or ignores your voice, it may trigger old feelings of helplessness and frustrations. You can shift from reacting automatically to responding consciously. In this case it may be helpful to answer yourself some of the following questions: 'What do I want to feel instead in this particular situation?’, ‘What makes being heard so important to me?’, ‘How can I make sure my voice is heard?’.

Start your personal and emotional development now to change your life and put your past behind you.

2. Remaining in a victim identity can keep you tied to the past

When you continually identify yourself as a victim, you may unknowingly reinforce certain limiting beliefs in your mind. One of those messages is that what happened to you holds more power over your life than you do. Yes, what you experienced was real, and it was hard. But ask yourself honestly: do you want that victim identity to define you forever?

Real change begins when you leave behind the victim narrative and fully believe in your potential for success no matter what happened in the past. This doesn’t mean denying what happened or excusing the harm. It means choosing not to let it control who you are becoming now and the new life you’re creating.

You have the ability to write a new story for yourself, a story that reflects your strength, your growth, and your ambition. As long as you remain anchored to the identity of a victim, it can be difficult to fully move forward. But when you anchor yourself to a positive foundation and begin to see yourself as someone capable of shaping your own path, you move back into the driver’s seat of your life.

3. Your identity shapes your future

The way you see yourself directly influences the choices you make and the actions you take. If you continue to view yourself primarily as a victim, you may unknowingly approach life from a place of hopelessness and limitation. You might avoid new opportunities or walk away from risks because, deep down, you believe you are permanently damaged and unable to experience the same happiness and freedom as others. This mindset does not help you grow, but it keeps you stuck.

But when you begin to recognise yourself as the resilient and talented child you were, you can see the capable and powerful adult you are. Your painful past may be part of your story, but it does not have to be part of your identity. You can decide you’re not going to be defined by what happened to you. Change the story to change your future.

A helpful exercise may be to simply observe your thoughts, much like in Buddhist practice. When memories surface and negative emotions arise, don’t fight them or push them away. Don’t try to fix them. Just notice them. Sit with the thoughts as a quiet observer. By watching them without engaging, you create space between yourself, the memory and the associated emotion. In that space, you begin to detach yourself and rewire your brain to gradually move forward towards a happier and drama-free life.

Silvia Davies provides action oriented transformational coaching support to adults who have experienced narcissistic abuses and/or come from narcissistic and dysfunctional families. Silvia Davies specialises in life transformation and personal development coaching, covering for example, mindset coaching, confidence coaching, fear of rejection coaching, relationship coaching, performance coaching and lifestyle coaching. When working with clients, different matters can be addressed, for example, overcoming fear of change, finding clarity and direction, creating positive habits, unlocking clients’ potential and creating actionable plans to change your life. Contact me here or reach out to silviadaviescoach@gmail.com to find out more.